Testimony Night

God is doing something in my life that I want to share with you. He is teaching me about hearing Him and taking a step of faith. Lately, I have really been feeling like I am not doing a good job--just in general. It has felt like something was amiss. I prayed that God would speak to me and I didn't feel like I was getting any clear answers. I told my friends that I needed God to send me an email so that I could just obey.

About a week ago I went to a home school moms' Christmas party. We had a prayer time at the end and I "shared" (bawled) about my prayer needs. My main concern was hearing God's voice. We prayed and someone lovingly pointed out that I needed to take time to listen to God (quiet times). Honestly, before that, I didn't want to have quiet times. I didn't want to go there and God not show up. I didn't want to leave another quiet time confused--was I "hearing" my own voice, was it God's. . . or was it neither? I didn't want to get up early, only for my kids to sense that I was up and then "bug" me. . . and have lost sleep for nothing. So, I decided that I would have to do quiet time at night, after the kids go to bed. I would have to stop watching "my shows" and give that time to God.

So, I grabbed my Bible, a notebook, and a book on prayer by Yancey and had quiet time. The first night, what stood out to me the most was a quote in the Yancey book by C.S. Lewis. The general idea is that Christians should see every event as an answer to prayer--either a granting or a refusal. . . and that everyone's needs were taken into consideration. Then, I read something to the effect that the Holy Spirit is inside of believers, guiding us. Ok, so that part's not something that I didn't already know, but I understood it in a different way: that a lot of those ideas and desires I have are from Him and that I needed to recognize that.

Then, Wednesday night, I went to a different church. There was a missionary couple there, who I had heard speak briefly at another church a couple of weeks ago. It was a little odd. I chose to believe that there was a reason I was seeing them again. At the end, the missionary wife came up and shared that while praying for the church, she felt like God laid on her heart the story of Samuel (the part about hearing God and thinking it was Eli). She encouraged everyone to make sure they were having their quiet times. I heard that loud and clear. But, I also heard something else. I believe what God was saying to me with what I read in the quiet time and the story of Samuel, is that He has been speaking to me and that I need to chose to believe that it is Him and not doubt. (I have struggled with doubt ever since my "failed" missionary experience and miscarriage.)

This morning's sermon was a typical "word of faith" type sermon. I've heard the gist of it a million times, growing up in Charismatic churches. Today I was ready to hear it again. It had been a while. I believe that God spoke to me this morning about having faith that God would help me parent supernaturally. I have been trying to do it in my own flesh, while asking for God's help. But, I need to stop trying so hard and let God work through me in my kids' lives, including their education.

Now, I will chose to believe that God is working on me and through me. I chose to believe that He is speaking to me and that it's not just "me" thinking, but the Holy Spirit guiding me. I chose to believe that he will work in me to parent supernaturally when I let Him.